Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Zarina Unknowingly Attempts to Tempt

listening to: the airconditioning and the keyboard

keii... i thought i told myself not write this down but i had too.
I'll leave it in my drafts first. Nainai won't be pleased reading this, i seemed to be settled now. Should i still write this? keii i will.
it hurts like crap.
imagine you get told firsthand information about what happened on that night, it cuts, what did i do to deserve it? Well I guess it really is my fault...
i don't want to rant on my blog bt i feel like i have too right now... coz it really hurts. I know i should forget about her, well the pain feels gone and thought i am one extremely sore loser it goes... it's been a couple of days since we talked about it.
I know i don't have a chance with her anymore, there's this one side of me that hopes for her to come back to me, it hurts, its pathetic since i have nothing to cling on to. I know that she knows what I'm feeling trying to reduce the heartache by calling me bestfriend and by saying she loves me back. But not in the way i hoped that she would love me back, on the other hand its her tool of telling me in her kindest way that we can never be together, that i've spoilt everything. My chances, my oppurtunities... everything. It's all gone.
Maybe I hope that one day she'll come back to me, like what i always hoped. That one day we were the one's meant to be for each other. But is that all a distant reality that is not this one's?
The pain is there its not throbbing right now but seeing her face sometimes makes it throb reopening the wounds that were kept sealed up. It's been one week, but i've hoped for more than that. Maybe i have to get over but i don't want to, i'm stubborn. I've always had the will power to get ove other girls but why don't i want to give up with her?
Did my shallowness really caused this much destrution in my life right now? That I've lost a girl that I really liked... maybe I did fall in love this time around. Maybe I did but I don't really know, do i really understand love?
She gave me a little hope in our talk last week, i told her lets just be friends and not rush anything... but i knew there was no "anything", the only thing there is, is 'nothing'. I told her we'll return to our normal relationship the one we had before bestfriends, but what happened these past two months?
Is there a lesson apart from that my shallowness is really stupid?
Hwat happened during the time she was mad at me? Where ther any influences? Where there any backstabbers? I don't know even if my question will ever be answered.
I thought that i did have a chance.
Maybe I did love you. Maybe I did love you alot.
Maybe i was just plain stupid to realize that, i know there's many guys after you... but how ome a month or two before this i felt like it was still mutual. It really is my fault isn't it?
first i fell for you again maybe because of shallow reasons, then i really fell for you. But when i did fall for you there was love but that love was all painful. Extremely painful. It's hard to wake up when your first thought of the day was why did she do that with him?
My fault i know.. all mine.

I am such a shallow person right?

That's why i didn't have the balls to ask you out, I was probably scared of what my friends would think. Scared of other people's opinions, when my friend told me some crap that he didn't care, i was okay with the fact.

I'm really really ashamed right now. I've just eaten my pride writing this all down

Ashamed that I let other people dictate my life. I do want you back, but maybe not now maybe next time... if there is one.

Or maybe in the end we are not really meant to be.

Did i tell ou of the times when i jokingly asked you out i was half serious, or the times you talked about other guys i was a bit jealous or maybe more jealous?

well i guess its too late to say that. would have made a greatidealistic soap but this is the truth and it hurts.

i feel calmed right now. I'm suddenly worried that what i wrote right now was useless just probably plain rhetoric but i know there were feelings in this... real ones. I need to stop now.

maybe we should just keep it this way.

but if you one day come back, and im still waiting. we'll start anew and i promise i'll do my very best not to hurt you. I'll take care of you. I really will.

One thing i have to admit however.

I think i did reallly... love you.

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